Animals don't have a choice
If they're not happy
With their place in the world, too bad
They have to live the life they've been given
Humans, on the other hand, don't have to
We have a choice

If you don't like your place in the world
You can get off anytime you want
Suicide, that's right
You don't like the way your life's going
You don't like the way you are in the world
Anything around you
You can check out anytime you like

Animals aren't allowed that thought
And believe me, if they were, they would use it
There'd be a lot of dogs and cats
Owned by assholes that live in high-rises
Diving out the windows

Zebras ...
If they even had remotely that thought
Would take a look at themselves and go
"What the fuck!
Black and white in a green and brown world?
This blows, I'm just gonna jump in the river
I don't have a thumb to work a gun
Or hold a knife or even open a jar of pills
I'm just gonna dive into the next lion's mouth
Why even bother?"

Now, monkeys have the opposable thumb
So they could kinda do it
The exact same way we do

Now, there's a bunch of people that say
"Oh, it's against the law"
Well, it's only against the law
If you do a crappy job and get caught

Other people say "Oh, we should save them"
Yeah, well you know what?
Not everybody wants to be saved
Not everybody should be saved
And who are we to force our will upon them?
I mean, isn't that one of the joys
About being a human?
Freedom of choice?

Now, it's not all bad
Now, I'm not saying kill yourself
But if you're gonna be an idiot and do it anyway
It's no sweat off of my back
There's a lot of good that could come from it
A little bit of bad thrown in

Some of the things:

A job will open
An apartment will become available
There'll be more air for me
They say there's two girls for every guy
If you're a man, there'll be four chicks for me
There'll be more Ketel One vodka for me
There'll be one less idiot
In line at the bank who gets up to the window
Without their fucking slips filled out

I won't ever have to go to the store
To buy my favorite salt and vinegar chips
And have the clerk point at you and say
"They bought the last bag"

You won't help change the McDonald's sign
To 100 Billion Served
You'll never get AIDS
You won't have to worry about calories ... ever
No more "Hey, does this make me look fat?"

There'll be one less polluting human
You won't have to recycle
There'll be one less car on the road
There'll be more Ring Dings for me
Fifty or so chickens' lives will be spared
Your fingers won't ever get red
From eating pistachios
You won't be forced to visit
Your grandparents on Sundays anymore
No more church
You'll be saying "Hey world - kiss my ass!"

No more wet dreams about supermodels
No more Barry Manilow ... for a few years anyway
Wondering "Am I a loser?" will be a thing of the past
Say good-bye to crappy X-mas presents
From aunts and uncles

You won't have to suffer through
A Motley Crue reunion
Fuck flossing and brushing
You'll never lose sleep over a pregnancy scare
Adios, acne
Worrying whether you fit in or not
Won't be on your brain
See ya later, homework

You'll never have to sit through another movie
Brought to you by the creators of South Park
School's out forever
No more paying bills
You won't have to do chores
You won't be able to run over toads
With the lawnmower though

You'll also miss McDonald's french fries
Bugs Bunny
The amazing electrifying feeling
That surges through your body
When you kiss someone for the first time

You won't be able to watch
The letterbox Director's Cut of 'Jaws'
Candy
Living above ground
Pudding crust
You'll miss the rush of getting your first apartment
Getting to the point in your life
Where you can tell your parents
'Fuck off! I gotta make my own mistakes, you did"

You'll miss sex
You'll miss thinking about it
Looking for it
Sex by yourself
Sex with a partner
Sex with multiple partners

No more summer nights that seem to go on forever
Roller coasters
Naming your kid the name you always wanted
Making a difference in the world
You'll miss the experience
And pleasure of hallucinogenics

Watching your neighbor's wife
Change clothes with her blinds open
A lifetime of masturbating
Watching your favorite team sweep the series

Music ... You will definitely miss music
Trying to sneak into your house drunk
Three hours past your curfew
You'll miss the blaze and glory
Of the 4th of July fireworks
The taste of Captain Crunch

If you're a boy
You'll miss the feeling the first time
You reach up a girl's shirt
If you're a girl, the feeling the first time
You reach down a boy's pants

You'll miss your favorite coat
Waffles with whipped cream and strawberries
Beating your friends at video games
You won't be around to see what shape and color
The new marshmallow in Lucky Charms will be

You'll miss the feeling you get
When reminiscing about your first love
Thirty years after the fact

The joy of giving and receiving at Christmas
Skinny dipping
Getting stoned, reading 'Green Eggs and Ham'
And eating like a horse
That got loose in the grain bin
Flying cars

Hey, you were born
Finish what was started